Kids and Loss
Giving Time - Teaching Skills for Life

This article is about kids and loss. Loss can be anything from death of a loved one to loss of a dummy or favorite teddy bear. All can produce loss emotions.

As we go through life we gather things and people; of value to us.
There is a cycle of gathering and letting go as we travel the journey that is our life.
Whenever we lose something of value we grieve for the loss of it.

These losses can include loss of a favorite teddy or toy, loss of a pet, loss of a friend.
How about loss of a much loved school teacher or school.
Has your child been bullied this might mean loss of safety and identity.
Are you as parents seperated or divorced which will mean lots of losses for your child(however well you have managed this)
Perhaps your child is disabled or has long term health problems.
Perhaps a famly member or friend has died , this is the most extreme type of grieving.

Our daughter is in a grieving process, at the moment.
Our daughter whio is adopted has been becoming very anxious at times recently after a fairly settled period.
She is 8 years old.
We were in the car with her one evening when she said "I feel like I am in a dream all the time."
She said "I feel like I am still 2 not 8."
Dad said "well you were living with us when you were 2".
She then said "well I feel like i am one then."

This got me thinking as I am aware and have been using a system called emotional logic for some time, you can find it here at emotionallogiccentre.org.uk
It is a self help tool that helps people understand their process through grieving.

Our daughter can be very angry at times, an out of control anger aimed at us primarily.
but she can also be sad and appear quite depressed at times.
Once she had said what she did about being in a dream things slotted into place.

We had a chat, where she explained that she was angry her mum had died.
She was sad she would never see her again.

So here was a little girl who was stuck in the grieving process.
But now we understood what was happening.
She had suffered many losses in being adopted by us:
Her birth mum, loss of her foster mum, loss of the home she knew.

As she also has autism there was loss in that as well.
loss of being "normal" whatever that is !

Now we know that wrapped up in these easy to see losses are other hidden losses that occur in times of change.
Loss or grief as it can be called trigger off loss reactions and emotions.
There is a process that we each take through the grieving journey.
The grieving process has been recognised to involve seven(7) stages or (usefully) stepping stones.

These are:
Shock, Denial, Anger, Guilt, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
These stepping stones are emotional drives that occur in patterns as we and our kids adjust to change.
Each stepping stone may feel different for each person for instance you may feel shock in a different way to me.
The trick is knowing and understanding how each of these stepping stones feel for you.
Then you will understand where you are in the grieving process.
There is not a progression through the stepping stones. We may jump between several and back and forth.
Sometines we may be on a stepping stone only fleetingly.
A healthy growth cycle through grief will include the bargaining and acceptance stepping stones.

Sometimes we get stuck in the grieving process and cycle between 2 or more stepping stones which then produce a whilpool of emotions.
These whirlpools will appear as a magnification of emotions.
For instance your child may become irrationally angry at something.
They could also withdraw into themselves.
Self harming or compulsive drives such as binge eating for example are also the result of being stuck.
Suicidal thoughts and confrontational behaviors are others.
Disconnection, and not feeling able to face memories are more examples of being stuck.
Shame and paranoid thoughts, and chronic fatigue syndrome are also examples of what can happen if you are stuck in the grieving process.

Emotional logic is a self help system that helps people to understand their own grieving process and that of others.
Once we understand how this works we can start to have creative conversations.
This helps us quite quickly to recognise where others are in the grieving process.
There are four turning points that help us as we adjust to change these are:
Recognising the loss......this is the shock and denial stepping stones
Preventing Loss.......Anger and guilt steeping stones
Recovering loss....Bargaining and acceptance
Letting go of......acceptance stepping stone.
Just by asking questions and listening we can hear when people are stuck in their grief.
This can also be done with our kids.

All losses will break down into hidden losses.
For example going back to our daughter and her birth mother.
Our daughter's losses break down a bit like this:
Loss of birth mother.
loss of identity.
Loss of the mother she wants(in her imagination birth mother gives her everything)
Loss of birth family
Loss of love
Loss of being accepted
Loss of family connections.
Loss of trust in adults

These are just a few and some she may be able to break down into even more losses.

The reason for this breakdown of losses is that the main loss is often too much to look at and do anything about.
When we now look at our daughters hidden losses we can see if there is a small loss.
We now need to look for a small loss we can do something practical about (either recover it, or to let go of it and explore something else).
This is called a SMART loss.
Specific........Name the loss.....what have I lost...what might I lose
Measurable......How will you know you have succeeded or not?
Achievable.......Start with something small and practicle.
Reasonable.......Is it important enough to put in some effort and take some risk?
Time limited......How long will it take to acheive.